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Thursday, February 4, 2010

Reasons for Cheating

Like any other profession it takes time and effort to develop cheating skills which we all at some point failed miserable at, but some may say why cheat anyways it’s a very selfish act on your part. You’re such a dick why would you do that to someone you love?

When men have affairs, they tend to be motivated by sex — new sex, more sex, different sex. Women cheat for many reasons: companionship, romance, more security, and, of course, sex. But are men’s motivations really that simple? No. Even for men, cheating is far more complex.

Studies show most men who cheat want to experiment sexually and experience the rush associated with “new sex.” This is their way of prolonging indefinitely the early and intoxicating phase of infatuation in a relationship. But men also have affairs to either avoid intimacy, recover their lost youth, or escape an unhappy marriage.
Men who fear intimacy will have affairs to maintain power in their relationships. If a man doesn't commit to his lover, he controls his level of vulnerability. Some men cheat in fact to avoid any real intimacy. Intimacy scares them, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them and they don’t get emotionally involved with their lovers. This way they never have to trust their partners or rely on them. This kind of man may also fear conflict.

Then there are men who will strike up an affair when they start to feel the fear and loss that comes with aging. They realize they are no longer young and invulnerable, so they have an affair to deny that they are getting old. Finding someone who is “young and new,” makes them feel more youthful.
Biologists believe men cheat by the Darwinian instinct to spread their genetic seed to more mates (whereas women would one mate to get protection and support). However, since more women are cheating, this suggests that they felt societal pressure in the past to suppress their sexual desires. There also may be another reason men are more likely to stray: environment. Psychologically speaking, men who cheat are often the child of an adulterer. They are repeating behavior that they know and looking to correct that feeling that no one ever loved only them.

Why do women cheat? The simple answer is because they hurt. They have pain related to loneliness, the rejection and betrayal of a cheating spouse, an unexciting and unsatisfactory relationship, or feeling poorly about themselves.

Why do women cheat? Because of emotional needs not met and the hurt that accompanies this lack. Is it sometimes just physical lust? Occasionally, but I do not see much of this.

Loneliness is one of the primary reasons that women seek out affairs or are susceptible to advances. Women who are in an unsatisfactory relationship may feel even lonelier than if they were still single. A partner who is over involved with his work or hobby may severely limit the attention and admiration he gives to his mate.

She then feels unattractive, uncared for, and hopeless about getting her needs met. While this is a reason for working harder on the relationship, not seeking relief from another man, it is easy to understand the pain that makes the whole thing possible.

And then there is Revenge. I am seeing much more of this as a motive in recent years. Today's woman is not willing to just sit still and "take it." Unfortunately, the "eye for an eye" approach has become more acceptable and a woman who feels betrayed and rejected may well return the favor.

Sometimes a woman needs only to hold a suspicion that her partner is cheating to be susceptible. She may have painful memories from other, earlier relationships in her life, and she may have an expectation of being hurt in this one, as well. This is where a "self fulfilling prophecy" can take over and create pain for everyone.

One reason for a woman's affair is similar to one for men: boredom. An unsatisfying, dull, and predictable relationship that is not growing in depth can make the excitement of a new relationship very attractive.

The affair is not only exciting due to the new person involved, but also to the whole experience of sneaking around and hiding it. This can be a huge adrenaline rush. It's not saying it too strongly to say that it can even be mildly addictive. Women who have multiple affairs may be experiencing this kind of stimulus.

For I have come to the conclusion base on my research that men is the real reason women cheat. It’s this justifiable no but they still do it, so I am wondering why is it that males play such big part in the breakdown of relationships.

I have also realized that when a male cheat its not as bad as when a females cheat as their reason vary and are more emotionally driven that male is. Males often cheat for sex and the rush of a new and exciting thing. While on the other hand females tend to cheat for emotional satisfaction which is more severe than cheating for sex in my view. Two bad never makes it right so for women to cheat because the male cheat it really immature and childish (don’t kill me for saying that lol) I understand your hurting I am in no way saying the male is right to cheat, but going out and cheating on him does not mean it better. The other thing that women do is that they cheat on makes with someone close to home, your friend your brother, its usually someone you know which tend to hurt even more. With that said I would also conclude that females are better at doing it that we are.

Have you been cheated on? Were you wiling to forgive your partner and continue with the relationship? Did It work out in the long run?

I have been cheated on and I tried to forgive but for nothing it could not work, I lost trust and once that was out the door it was like trying to push water up an hill without a pump.

9 comments:

Abby Kihano said...

this is a great post. i always asked myself why people cheat. now, i sort of have a rough idea why people do it. and it make sense now.

and truly, there is a difference between men and women needs.

JStar said...

I love this post, sooo true here...Yea, I have been cheated on and stayed and got cheated on even more...so the first time he cheats, its over...There can be no more trust and whats a relationship without trust...

And yes, I have cheated for all the reasons stated above...I never got caught tho :)

But its like why be in a relationship if you are gonna cheat...Its so pointless!

RAY J said...

My husband cheated on me 8 months into our marriage - I came home early from an evening with the girls and caught him naked in the shower with this employee of his on her knees giving him a BJ.

Him and I hung out with her and her friends a few weeks prior and I thought her and I were getting to become social acquaintances, as we got along pretty well. I knew he had been texting with her a lot more recently too, but he told me it was work related so I let it drop. For some reason though, I didn't feel I could trust her though...

I never would guessed he had an interest in her, as we often joked that she looked like a skeleton with skin on and were both pretty grossed out by how she dressed up for other job as a haunted house worker (she looked like a mutant cannibal in some of them!) and he always complained about how annoying and obscene/vulgar she was at work too - she would turn anything you said to her into an innuendo. Apparently she always bragged at work about how good she was at giving blow jobs though and was annoyed that her boyfriend wouldn't let her give them to him that much.

I was furious as I had no clue there was anything wrong with our relationship - he never once said anything to express there was a problem.

The only thing I could think was that I had surgery down there to remove some pre-cancerous stuff they found shortly after we got back from our honeymoon. We couldn't have sex for awhile because of that and then once we could, it often hurt too much for me to enjoy it still. And for the record, I'm not a fan of giving blowjobs and get tired of hubby nagging me for them all the time - he was never that bad before we got married ><

Back to the story, I was devasted, as I had known him for over 11 years - I knew he had cheated on his first girlfriend years ago, but he told me he was young and stupid and knows now that cheating wasn't the solution to the problem he had with her and he promised me before we started dating that I had nothing to worry about, not to mention when we got married he made the vow too...

he chased after me for so many years before we dated that I felt like he got what he wanted and then decided I wasn't what he thought, it really sucked.

I stopped wearing my engagement ring for a few days after, as it upset me everytime I looked at it... his dad, a pastor and counselor, came over to talk to us a few days after it happened... he said some stuff that helped and got us talking again... we spent last summer going through counseling together too.

Things are better now than they were, however occasionally my paranoia and trust issues that I had with him soon after it happened do creep on me from time to time... and I do occasionally check the browser history and his text messages and phone history from time to time, just to make sure nothing shady is going on... I know, it's dumb, but it helps me feel better to be able to know nothing is going on behind my back.

If we weren't married though (if we were only dating), I would have broken up with him right then and there and probably not talk to him for a long long time. However because we're married, well, that complicates it a little cuz you can't just easily up and leave - you have to get a divorce and deal with all the legal stuff who's is who's, etc.

I did make it very clear to him though, and he knows, that if it or anything like it EVER happens again, I'm gone and he can expect divorce papers as quick as I can get them. He told me it won't, as he doesn't want to me lose me... I am NOT going through the hell I went through last summer all over again though!

Amanda West said...

This was a really good post. I've always sort of wondered about the motives behind cheating.

I've been cheated on. And it hurt me so badly.

But also, I've cheated on a boyfriend before. He was really domineering and once threw a pool ball at me.

I was afraid of leaving him. But I should have just sucked it up and left.

Because a really awesome guy came along, and well, I jumped at a chance to get some real love.

Which I think is one of the motives behind why women cheat if I remember correctly from your post.

But still, I've always regretted deeply that I cheated.

Dyinetch said...

Love this post. Yes, I have been cheated on and until now, I still effin' hate that guy. But, oh well. He was boring and stupid anyway.

The Kid In The Front Row said...

This is a nice post- very interesting and makes some very valid points I think.

However, I couldn't laugh but chuckle when I saw the Chelsea logo to the left of the post. Whether we're talking John Terry, or Chelsea on the pitch - it hardly surprises me that you'd know so much about cheating! For a Chelsea fan, it's basically second nature.

Sheri said...

I was cheated on by an ex, I couldn't forgive him and he also never admitted to it - but I know he did. You don't get hickies on your nipple area for no reason ya know?

The Write Girl said...

This is an intriguing post...I usually stay away from characterizing men and women in general terms. I think you make some interesting points here though.

Linda said...

during a recent conversation someone i'm involved with lamented that neither of us cheated on each other. he wished someone cheated as then there would be a valid reason to walk away from our relationship.

ouch. when someone wishes he had cheated on you? or vice versa?


oi. i can say my 2nd biggest emotional fear is cheating. 1st is losing loved ones to death.

anyway, thank you for leaving a comment on my blog :)

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