I am a prisoner of my emotions.
At a tender age I entered the dating scene, which was great at the time at least so I though. I ran around plying with young girls emotion, thinking I was the man. I am unstoppable and invincible, not knowing I am was creating a monster image and setting up myself for a very bad future.
As the years went by I started to imitate my older bothers’ and friends, down the same old path of unfaithfulness, and deceit, this I was very cleaver at doing. With no care in the world I walked on people’s feeling as if I had no remorse no care in this world. It was just the thing to do, every one was doing it and seem to be getting ahead well. Having one girl was just not the thing, being a one burner was a bad thing in the eyes of the guys I spent most of my life with going to school.
All this time I did saw one of my friend being a faithful Samaritan, very committed, and content with who is was seeing, had no reason to be like the dog I was, he was a little Christian boy, faith was well grounded. One day he said to me “why do you do the things you do, your hurting these girls and they can’t even see it or find it in their heart to leave”
I was taken aback by his statement.
For a few weeks I started questioning myself why, am I doing this? Why can’t I just settle for one? Would I like this to be done to my sisters or for that matter any female family member I have? The answer was right there, I started to think I need to start being honest with these young ladies. But hurting people's feeling this way was something I was not really good at doing, even though I was hurting it by not being honest.
Time went by and I found the strength to start telling some of these ladies that I am not really interested in them, and I am just not ready for a relationship, this did not went as smooth as I am saying it, but I tried my best in a space of two months I was down to zero.
I decided that I need to learn how to be by myself for sometime to think about the bad things I had done which I am really sorry for.
July 15 2001
I was a new person, going single for sometime and feeling good about it; I took my friend advice and went to church and start learning the bible, went and ask for forgiveness. This was not an easy thing for me, with my other friends asking what’s wrong, I have changed that’s what had happen. I started to focus more on my school work, even though I managed my time well when I was doing all those things.
One day I drove by friend house to give her some stuff, when I rang the door bell her aunt answered the door, we both looked each other eye to eye for a minute before we said a word, and she broke the silence and invited me in. As I sat down I felt the feeling coming over me, look up at her once more then I knew it, I was in love weird yes but some how I know she was the one, she was feeling the same feeling I was feeling, I was finally introduce to her by my friend from that moment we started getting to know each other.
We started going out, I was so in love ,it felt so good, this is what I was missing while I was messing with people I had no feeling for, and the feeling was great I was in heaven for the first time in my life. She was very beautiful nice eyes nice lips a voice that spoke directly to my heart, I knew this was it, and I had stop playing games right in time.
It was time for me to go away to college, I honestly would rather go to a local college so I could see her more often but that was not going to happen, I went away to school, in my first semester I met a young lady who so happen to share the birth date as I do, she also was very beautiful temptation # one, her mom Chinese her dad was black. To be totally honest we had a lot in common.
One day at the end of my marketing class I was packing up my books talking to my friend, who was sitting next to me, suddenly I felt my head pulled back and in a flash her soft lips were all over mines, I was shocked, I did not know what to do but kiss back which I did and I felt good. As I watch her walk out the door I was still in shock I had an idea that she liked me but not enough to steal a kiss, my friend asked, what the hell was that about? my reaction was I have no clue! one thing I knew she could kiss.
Seriously confused I start thinking about my girl, I felt guilty even though I was not the one who started this, I did not know what to do or how to react the next time I saw this young lady. The next time we had class together we both acted as if it was the first time we ever seen each other, yes this was going great, at least so I though, one day she wanted to talk I was interested to hear what she had to say.
As we walked to the village to talk ,I was very nervous for some reason, we got there sat on the park bench, she held my hand and said Jermaine I really like you, we have a lot in common and I could not help that you did not make the first move so that’s why I kissed you that evening. I was very nervous didn't know what to say, starting looking up in the sky like god was going to give me an answer for this dilemma.
I can’t do this, was my first word, I could see her withdrawal as her skin got really red, eyes filled with water, I told her I had a girl, then it all fell down she started crying I could not help it I started crying also, she was asking me to leave my girl for her, that I could not do even though I liked her. I had already made a commitment to love one person an that was my current girl friend.As I watch her walked away my heart was pounding, suddenly my friend broke the corner I wipe my eyes quickly and shook my self out of that, I could not allow my friend to see my crying, I would have to explain to him what was going on and when it come to things like that I was very secretive.
Before I knew it, it was the end of the semester and it was time to put our stuff in storage, I was exited to get home to see my girl, got home about 9pm went to see my girl, but for some reason she was acting brand new, I asked her what was wrong she did not want to talk about it, I persisted and finally she gave in.
Jermaine I am sorry but I slept with my x Boyfriend, I could not even speak I was in shock, I was speechless for about 5 minutes, my head started poundings with a constant headache, I was so shock I could not even allow myself to cry, the lady I was saving my self for cheated on me, instantly my college crush came in mind. Why didn’t I fallow her and leave this girl I would not have been in this situation.was this pay back for all the bad i had done, one thing i was sure of was this i now know how those young lady felt
To be continued……….
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