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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Why single guys don’t gravitate toward single moms

Give me a min let me check on my kid; o I got to call you back he/she is crying.
Well it would have bin a great experience but only if I could make it, I have to take my son swimming on the week end, or my daughter to ballet class. These are just a few of the parses that kills it for a single person who is hoping to go out with a single parent

Over the years I have focus on the different types of relationships and at one point even vowed not to date a woman that has a kid for many reasons. I know allot of females will not agree with all that I got to say, but it’s just my thoughts that I am sharing from a single male’s perspective.

SHARED ATTENTION

Over the past 20 years I have came to the realization that guys love allot of attention more than we even think we might do. And when that attention is not given we feel left out and my even start looking else where for that attention, not that we don’t respect the others feelings, but there is apart of us that is not been satisfied, and in our effort to get that void filled we might do stupid thing such as cheating.
When a woman goes through the process of having a child their whole mentality changes, believe it or not it does. They become so focus on the kid they even forget at times that they have a man.
I do love and respect the fact that women have a bond with their kid I do, don’t get me wrong, and I applaud each and every mom, for the great job they do on a daily basis.

I have personal experiences with dating a single mom and that was not the best thing to have done in that case, taking into consideration that every individual is different.

So I was a part time student in college and I worked full time as a Staff Accountant at a firm in the Empire state building, one day after work me and a couple of my coworkers, decided to have a drink at a night spot in the city, so we all went to have a good time, and I so happen to pounce upon a very beautiful young lady.

We started up a conversation which by all account well beautifully well, so my co-workers were about to leave so I decided to leave as well. Just before I was about to leave I saw that she pulled out her phone so I look at her and smiled, then she handed it to me, on the screen I saw a really cute kid, so I was really wondering if that was her little brother or it was really her son, Anyways I stored my number in her phone and exited the club.

A couple of hours passed and I got home, I realized that I have a missed call she called. Just to let her wait and build up her expectations, I did not call her back until the next day. We had a great conversation and we started going out.


KID BEING A PROBLEM

So we started going and making love at the time that was great, the kid was on vocation with his dad, suddenly the kid was back home.

Now I get out of work at seven and get to school and then I get out of school at 10.now I go home and I need some attention and some satisfaction and here comes the kid running in the room, then she has to leave to put him back to bed, this continued for several months no sex because when the kid finally fall asleep I am also asleep too, then she is going to complain saying I am not good, I never wait until the kid falls asleep, I am like woman you are crazy I get up early in the morning for work.

So I moved back on campus just to get a good night sleep. So one day I am at work and she so happens to call and talking about the kid. Being the cool dude that I am I never complain about the kid even when it kills me. A few minutes went by and she asked when I am going to take the kid to the aquarium, I am shocked back for a moment so I asked what! And my reply was that, that’s his father’s job right there not mines, we are just dating we are not going steady or committed to each other. That’s kind of too much.I know if you are a regular reader of my column and so happens to like me, you may not like me anymore if you really read into it too much.

Take into consideration that I was 18 year of age in my third year in college that was just too much for me. I know for females that answer is so wrong and it maybe too hard of an answer but I am being totally honest that’s what came out of my mouth.
Well after I thought about what I had said I came to the realization that I should not have said it, but the damage was already done. And I was sorry.

DON’T GET ME WRONG I LOVE KIDS


READY MAID FAMILY

Each and every one has a choice in life, at times our feelings help us make up out mind as to the person we will choose to be with for the rest of our lives.

Whenever a woman gets pregnant for a guy I think the hope is that they going to be together forever, however this is not always the case more than 50% of the time, they relationship end.

From a single man perspective, I would like to be the first one to have a kid by my wife. When this happen we are both as exited, however in the case where the woman already has a kid, it will be just like another thing for her, she wont be as exited as I am, so I think the we as men should know what were are getting into before we go getting the young ladies impregnated and them leaving them to all the discrimination that comes with being a single mom.

If I had to make the choice base on sitting here at my desk and writing I would not choose to date a girl with a kid. However I had the same thought when I met the girl I mention earlier, and I did went ahead and dated her, and also I met a another females this week and has a kid and I do like her, o should I say liked her.

BONDING WITH THE KID

When a man and a woman decide to engage in a relationship, if either brings a child from a previous relationship that new partner has to create a bond with the kid and that’s often not easily done at all.

This however has to do with the age of the kid; the younger the kid is the easier it is to form a connection. However if the kid is not that young and understand whats happening on his life, it could be a great problem in the relationship. For one they will have a feeling that the new person is trying to replace their mom/dad, and that will caused a very big problem. I grew up with a stepfather that I did not like a bone in his body so I have first hand experience of this. Even though he was there from before I even know myself. And things got even worst as I grew up and become more aware of the world.

The worst case scenario is if and when we do form a connection with the kid and all is great and we fall so in love with the kid and them suddenly and relationship comes to an end. Now we are devastated because we have fell so much in love with the kid that we can’t believe that we have to be a bystander now looking in from the outside. Having no say in that child's life, then we also has to deal with the loss of the first love which is the man/woman. So here we are few year in the relationship and suddenly is ends. Now we are not just loosing a lover we are loosing two, the kid and the parent, so we are twice as distraught.

The effect on the kid is even more devastated, at first it was there parent, now they had and new mom/dad and they are gone, and then by the time you know it, the kid has someone new in their lives. Confused as hell and not wanting to fall in love with the new person, because guess what, they might be the next one to hurt heir feelings.

I personally think this create a psychological effect on the kid, and a lack of trust. No kid should have to live through this ordeal. Its just not fair to the kid, so I want to come to a conclusion and get over this blog we as males need to be more responsible and take our jobs as fathers and try our best not to mess with no one who we will not consider for our wife.Thought just come rushing through my head and I really feel like writing until I fall asleep.

8 comments:

OmegaRadium said...

I completely agree. I refuse to acknowledge a single mom as "dating material." Single moms are still entitled to have fun, but they really shouldn't be out at the club every weekend, they have a responsibility to meet.

Rachel Tamed said...

Not that I have made any desicions about wanting a family of my own someday...but ya know, I'm young, and I would like to keep that door open. Plus, and this is just my humble opinion (and very unholy), but I think it is irresponsible and selfish to have a child on your own. Not that I totally agree with the "family unit" that is shoved down our throats...but dating with a stroller just isn't cool.

That said, I also just would not want to take on anyone else's baggage like that. Turns a break-up into a traumatizing event for a child, and I want no part of it.

digitalvixon said...

I agree with you in some ways...

I prefer someone w/o kids only because I'm not ready to take on a responsibility as a "step-mother" or "crazy auntie Digi". And, I never want to be looked at as someone who "wants to replace mommy".

Although I'm not saying that if I met the PERFECT person, I wouldn't give him the chance if he had kids.

K said...

Were almost in full agreement. I don't want to or whore myself out there to meet single dads, some crazy women do. I recently went out on a date with a single dad, he had her name tatooed on his wrist and 62535 pics of her on his iphone

Nana said...

I fell in love with a guy with a kid..Guess what?I ended up loving his daughter more than him. I got very attached to her & vice versa. She'd call me 'mommy' sometimes. She was 2 & had beautiful blue eyes ( she was black, so it's extra special) & the cutest personality. When my X & I broke up, I tried to stay in her life, but he's making it tough. I can't tell you how heartbroken I was when I couldn't see her every weeked, as I was used to. I talked to her on the phone sometimes, & it hurts that you love a child over whom you have no control. I mean, you have no say in her upbringing, but yet my X expected me to care for her AS IF I was her biological mother. The hypocrisy of it all.
I wouldn't date a guy with a kid anymore. Too much pain & baby mama drama.

gary h. said...

I can see what you're saying, but at the same time I think there are a lot of benefits to kids, even if they're not yours.

Also, since when are single moms not allowed to have fun? Yes, they have kids, but why should the father get off the hook? I think we as a society need to stop putting so much onus on the single mom to raise perfect kids. Its a job that needs a stable dad too.

Emily said...

I must say I have to agree. The Big D-bag Ex had two children (oh wait...make that THREE. he "forgot to mention" that last one for a few months...or 8. whatever.) I know it's different for single moms and single dads but still the shared attention aspect is there. And there's something about not quite being able to relate to them that seems (or for me at least) to make the whole relationship not work.

Coogie Cruz said...

A lot of guys feel the way you but they just don't have the balls to say it. So kudos to you for that!

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