I am a prisoner of my emotions.
At a tender age I entered the dating scene, which was great at the time at least so I though. I ran around plying with young girls emotion, thinking I was the man. I am unstoppable and invincible, not knowing I am was creating a monster image and setting up myself for a very bad future.
As the years went by I started to imitate my older bothers’ and friends, down the same old path of unfaithfulness, and deceit, this I was very cleaver at doing. With no care in the world I walked on people’s feeling as if I had no remorse no care in this world. It was just the thing to do, every one was doing it and seem to be getting ahead well. Having one girl was just not the thing, being a one burner was a bad thing in the eyes of the guys I spent most of my life with going to school.
All this time I did saw one of my friend being a faithful Samaritan, very committed, and content with who is was seeing, had no reason to be like the dog I was, he was a little Christian boy, faith was well grounded. One day he said to me “why do you do the things you do, your hurting these girls and they can’t even see it or find it in their heart to leave”
I was taken aback by his statement.
For a few weeks I started questioning myself why, am I doing this? Why can’t I just settle for one? Would I like this to be done to my sisters or for that matter any female family member I have? The answer was right there, I started to think I need to start being honest with these young ladies. But hurting people's feeling this way was something I was not really good at doing, even though I was hurting it by not being honest.
Time went by and I found the strength to start telling some of these ladies that I am not really interested in them, and I am just not ready for a relationship, this did not went as smooth as I am saying it, but I tried my best in a space of two months I was down to zero.
I decided that I need to learn how to be by myself for sometime to think about the bad things I had done which I am really sorry for.
July 15 2001
I was a new person, going single for sometime and feeling good about it; I took my friend advice and went to church and start learning the bible, went and ask for forgiveness. This was not an easy thing for me, with my other friends asking what’s wrong, I have changed that’s what had happen. I started to focus more on my school work, even though I managed my time well when I was doing all those things.
One day I drove by friend house to give her some stuff, when I rang the door bell her aunt answered the door, we both looked each other eye to eye for a minute before we said a word, and she broke the silence and invited me in. As I sat down I felt the feeling coming over me, look up at her once more then I knew it, I was in love weird yes but some how I know she was the one, she was feeling the same feeling I was feeling, I was finally introduce to her by my friend from that moment we started getting to know each other.
We started going out, I was so in love ,it felt so good, this is what I was missing while I was messing with people I had no feeling for, and the feeling was great I was in heaven for the first time in my life. She was very beautiful nice eyes nice lips a voice that spoke directly to my heart, I knew this was it, and I had stop playing games right in time.
It was time for me to go away to college, I honestly would rather go to a local college so I could see her more often but that was not going to happen, I went away to school, in my first semester I met a young lady who so happen to share the birth date as I do, she also was very beautiful temptation # one, her mom Chinese her dad was black. To be totally honest we had a lot in common.
One day at the end of my marketing class I was packing up my books talking to my friend, who was sitting next to me, suddenly I felt my head pulled back and in a flash her soft lips were all over mines, I was shocked, I did not know what to do but kiss back which I did and I felt good. As I watch her walk out the door I was still in shock I had an idea that she liked me but not enough to steal a kiss, my friend asked, what the hell was that about? my reaction was I have no clue! one thing I knew she could kiss.
Seriously confused I start thinking about my girl, I felt guilty even though I was not the one who started this, I did not know what to do or how to react the next time I saw this young lady. The next time we had class together we both acted as if it was the first time we ever seen each other, yes this was going great, at least so I though, one day she wanted to talk I was interested to hear what she had to say.
As we walked to the village to talk ,I was very nervous for some reason, we got there sat on the park bench, she held my hand and said Jermaine I really like you, we have a lot in common and I could not help that you did not make the first move so that’s why I kissed you that evening. I was very nervous didn't know what to say, starting looking up in the sky like god was going to give me an answer for this dilemma.
I can’t do this, was my first word, I could see her withdrawal as her skin got really red, eyes filled with water, I told her I had a girl, then it all fell down she started crying I could not help it I started crying also, she was asking me to leave my girl for her, that I could not do even though I liked her. I had already made a commitment to love one person an that was my current girl friend.As I watch her walked away my heart was pounding, suddenly my friend broke the corner I wipe my eyes quickly and shook my self out of that, I could not allow my friend to see my crying, I would have to explain to him what was going on and when it come to things like that I was very secretive.
Before I knew it, it was the end of the semester and it was time to put our stuff in storage, I was exited to get home to see my girl, got home about 9pm went to see my girl, but for some reason she was acting brand new, I asked her what was wrong she did not want to talk about it, I persisted and finally she gave in.
Jermaine I am sorry but I slept with my x Boyfriend, I could not even speak I was in shock, I was speechless for about 5 minutes, my head started poundings with a constant headache, I was so shock I could not even allow myself to cry, the lady I was saving my self for cheated on me, instantly my college crush came in mind. Why didn’t I fallow her and leave this girl I would not have been in this situation.was this pay back for all the bad i had done, one thing i was sure of was this i now know how those young lady felt
To be continued……….
fallow me to twitterhttp://twitter.com/jackostain
Friday, May 1, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
THis is how the Swine Flu started
This is not a serious post, but the way the media is making this story out to be i am even afraid of taking the train, which i so have to do to get to work.
So this is my way of making the subject a little bit lighter. and funny
You could look me up on Twitter@ Jackostain----see you there
Monday, April 27, 2009
HEART BREAK
Woke up Saturday morning went to the Bronx pick my friend and headed to Philadelphia to the University of Pennsylvania to see the Penn Relays. On my way there It so happened that me and another car of friend were racing, being I always have to show who the boss is when it comes to driving. Suddenly my Blackberry was flashing a Greenish light meaning my batter was about to die leaving me with no navigation as I use my phones navigations.
All this time I was consumed by driving and trying to outrun my other friend, I did not take the time to notice the one sitting next to me in the passenger seat. With the weather been so nice I did not have the time to be thinking about nothing but enjoying it, until that enjoyment turn into touchier, as we made it to the New Jersey Turnpike we were greeted to a long lime of traffic, people even getting our their cars and chilling on the highway.
I was really upset due to the fact that we were already late, and that did not help with the weather being 90 degrees, not even the Air Conditioner could help, we were being baked on the highway for about two hours when my impatience kicked in and I gave the other a car a call and say lets take a chance and run the soft shoulders, hoping that we don’t get caught, as you may know that would have been a hell of a fine.
We drove on the side for about 20 minutes, then we finally could see the accident, it was a Tractor trailer turned over blocking the whole high way. So here we are at another halt then my friend decided to start talking.
He said Jacko as every one of my friends call me, I have a big problem man, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t even focus at work. Let’s just call him F and I J.
J “o yeah, man you crazy”
F “I am serious right now” with a very sort tone!!
J “so what’s the cause of this?
F “my wife dumped me”
J “what!! This is crazy, what did you do?
F “got laid off for the past two months, that’s the only thing I did, she say I can’t take her out, she no longer has feelings for me, and she just can’t do this no more.
By this time my mouth was wide open astound by every word that he spoke, I really was in disbelief. I always told this guy he was stupid, for allow this lady to take all his money away when he got paid, now that’s the first thing that came to mind when he told me, I was thinking she ran him broke and dump him like a used sanitary napkin.
J “ I am really sorry to hear this F, I am really surprised, I would not imagine this happening, when she was out of a job for like four months, I know you took good care of her, we even trouble you about how you allow her to spend your money for you.
F “well I guess I learn the hard way”
J “hey such is life”
F “ one thing I know though, this can never happen to me ever again, I will never fall in love this deep with another woman, I will never treat them so nice ever again.
On April the 25 another monster/dush bag/whatever you ladies call it, was born, the ever loving and committed friend of mines was throwing in the towel on love, and being affection. This allowed me to come to this conclusion.
Men one once-females love over and over.
From personal experience I can say that I only loved once in my life, when my girlfriend at the time cheated because I went away to college and she could not take it no more, I was born into the monster I am today. Imagine being on campus passing up a lot of free pussy of you will just to be totally committed, it’s not an easy thing but I did it. When I got home on my break and she broke the news to me I was devastated, I cried, my head pounded like someone was beating it with an hammer, I was confused as to why she would do this to me, listen I cried for like 2 weeks.
This is 6 years ago and I am yet to love again, I have spoken to a lot of guys and they shared similar stories, after listening to all the stories over the years, I came to a conclusion that man love deeper that a woman does. If that’s not true then men sure don’t know how to move on with their lives emotionally. Whenever we get burn we stay burn, while on the other hand when I woman get hurt she get up brush her self off and do it all over again. Men move on they sure do, but will they love that deep, my assumption is NO they will not.
Sunday April 26, 2009
I went by F family’s house to see how he was doing, as his wife also kicked him out their house, I saw him smoking, to my self I was like that’s quite weird, this guys don’t smoke, when he see be coming he put it out as he know I cant respire around smoke especially cigarette. I did not question his action.
F “you got your car?
J ‘I sure do, what’s up now?
F “let’s take a drive by the pier”
J “ok no problem”
So here we are at the pier, my friend starts to cry, I not knowing what to do, said to him man cut that bull crap, what do you need a hug, if that I am sorry I cant give that to you.
F “J I went to this girl house last night and saw a car with a Hawaii”
J “ listen man I think your going crazy, how the hell cant someone drive from Hawaii to New York, isn’t that an island?
F “Hawaii or Ohio same dam thing, she told me a few months ago that her friend was coming by to look for her, so I was son a stake out at her house until about 5am to see is that guy was coming out our room, I called her like a million times and she did not pick up.
J “ yo you fucking crazy man, what the hell you doing, what Stake out!!, are you the fucking FBI or some shit.
F “you don’t understand, I love that woman.
J “so to brake it to you but she don’t love you, right now she is kicking it when another man”
The look he gave me tell me how angry he was at those words, but I had to say it to him, I know he is hurting, but he was doing some crazy things being at the ladies house that hour of the morning just looking at the house, I said to myself lord please don’t let me fall in a familiar position because I see how much it hurts. To find out your wife dump you today and have a next men in your bed tomorrow.
I know I will have to sit and listen to my friend today, and encourage him to get himself together. But one thing I can’t teach him and its how to trust.
I hate sad stories so here is something to make you laugh
All this time I was consumed by driving and trying to outrun my other friend, I did not take the time to notice the one sitting next to me in the passenger seat. With the weather been so nice I did not have the time to be thinking about nothing but enjoying it, until that enjoyment turn into touchier, as we made it to the New Jersey Turnpike we were greeted to a long lime of traffic, people even getting our their cars and chilling on the highway.
I was really upset due to the fact that we were already late, and that did not help with the weather being 90 degrees, not even the Air Conditioner could help, we were being baked on the highway for about two hours when my impatience kicked in and I gave the other a car a call and say lets take a chance and run the soft shoulders, hoping that we don’t get caught, as you may know that would have been a hell of a fine.
We drove on the side for about 20 minutes, then we finally could see the accident, it was a Tractor trailer turned over blocking the whole high way. So here we are at another halt then my friend decided to start talking.
He said Jacko as every one of my friends call me, I have a big problem man, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t even focus at work. Let’s just call him F and I J.
J “o yeah, man you crazy”
F “I am serious right now” with a very sort tone!!
J “so what’s the cause of this?
F “my wife dumped me”
J “what!! This is crazy, what did you do?
F “got laid off for the past two months, that’s the only thing I did, she say I can’t take her out, she no longer has feelings for me, and she just can’t do this no more.
By this time my mouth was wide open astound by every word that he spoke, I really was in disbelief. I always told this guy he was stupid, for allow this lady to take all his money away when he got paid, now that’s the first thing that came to mind when he told me, I was thinking she ran him broke and dump him like a used sanitary napkin.
J “ I am really sorry to hear this F, I am really surprised, I would not imagine this happening, when she was out of a job for like four months, I know you took good care of her, we even trouble you about how you allow her to spend your money for you.
F “well I guess I learn the hard way”
J “hey such is life”
F “ one thing I know though, this can never happen to me ever again, I will never fall in love this deep with another woman, I will never treat them so nice ever again.
On April the 25 another monster/dush bag/whatever you ladies call it, was born, the ever loving and committed friend of mines was throwing in the towel on love, and being affection. This allowed me to come to this conclusion.
Men one once-females love over and over.
From personal experience I can say that I only loved once in my life, when my girlfriend at the time cheated because I went away to college and she could not take it no more, I was born into the monster I am today. Imagine being on campus passing up a lot of free pussy of you will just to be totally committed, it’s not an easy thing but I did it. When I got home on my break and she broke the news to me I was devastated, I cried, my head pounded like someone was beating it with an hammer, I was confused as to why she would do this to me, listen I cried for like 2 weeks.
This is 6 years ago and I am yet to love again, I have spoken to a lot of guys and they shared similar stories, after listening to all the stories over the years, I came to a conclusion that man love deeper that a woman does. If that’s not true then men sure don’t know how to move on with their lives emotionally. Whenever we get burn we stay burn, while on the other hand when I woman get hurt she get up brush her self off and do it all over again. Men move on they sure do, but will they love that deep, my assumption is NO they will not.
Sunday April 26, 2009
I went by F family’s house to see how he was doing, as his wife also kicked him out their house, I saw him smoking, to my self I was like that’s quite weird, this guys don’t smoke, when he see be coming he put it out as he know I cant respire around smoke especially cigarette. I did not question his action.
F “you got your car?
J ‘I sure do, what’s up now?
F “let’s take a drive by the pier”
J “ok no problem”
So here we are at the pier, my friend starts to cry, I not knowing what to do, said to him man cut that bull crap, what do you need a hug, if that I am sorry I cant give that to you.
F “J I went to this girl house last night and saw a car with a Hawaii”
J “ listen man I think your going crazy, how the hell cant someone drive from Hawaii to New York, isn’t that an island?
F “Hawaii or Ohio same dam thing, she told me a few months ago that her friend was coming by to look for her, so I was son a stake out at her house until about 5am to see is that guy was coming out our room, I called her like a million times and she did not pick up.
J “ yo you fucking crazy man, what the hell you doing, what Stake out!!, are you the fucking FBI or some shit.
F “you don’t understand, I love that woman.
J “so to brake it to you but she don’t love you, right now she is kicking it when another man”
The look he gave me tell me how angry he was at those words, but I had to say it to him, I know he is hurting, but he was doing some crazy things being at the ladies house that hour of the morning just looking at the house, I said to myself lord please don’t let me fall in a familiar position because I see how much it hurts. To find out your wife dump you today and have a next men in your bed tomorrow.
I know I will have to sit and listen to my friend today, and encourage him to get himself together. But one thing I can’t teach him and its how to trust.
I hate sad stories so here is something to make you laugh
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